Identity Crisis

I feel as though I've lost myself. As every mom has told me, life before baby is a big blur. I've dealt with depression since I was fourteen; so postpardom depression has been a realistic threat with life after pregnancy. So far, I've felt proud not giving into any thoughts of unwanted sadness.

The proud thoughts are slowly dissipating. The "high on baby" feeling starting disappearing once I returned to work. 

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love and adore my LittleMan and motherhood. But what about life outside of baby? I am now 24/7 a mom, caretaker of a new life who cannot take care of themselves alone. 

The high is going away. But I don't want it to. The only time I feel as though I don't have to be SuperMom is when I'm taking a shower (when I get one). So no wonder I've wanted to start smoking cigarettes again. It's difficult. If I'm smoking, there's no way LittleMan can be near me, secondhand smoke and all. But I don't want to be a smoker again. So what do I do?

I've lost myself, my sense of self. I am a mother. I work to provide for my son, with help from HobbyHubby. I take care of my son. My life is my son. I love it; but what else? 

I've tried to start painting again but it's difficult to find unerrupted time. 

So the next step is date nights. Physical intimacy has been an issue. Shit hurts, it's uncomfortable. I had a second degree tear from birthing a 9 pound baby, could've been worse (my friend is mother superior compared to me). So we hang out, maybe drink some with friends. It's nice, but the whole time I'm missing LittleMan. 

I want him all the time and want space too. I'm finding a balance.

His pediatrician has helped me realize how great everything is. I'm a breast feeding champ. Let me reiterate, IM A FUCKING BREASTFEEDING CHAMP! He's growing tremendously. Gained 3 pounds and grew 3 inches by his 2 month appointment.

My dad, someone I've subconsciously always needed approval from, has repeatedly told me how proud he is of me and how I'm a great mom. It makes me want to cry when he says these things. It lifts me up like nothing else.

Cody also repeatedly thanks me for feeding Ansel, for taking care of him, helping with diaper changes (Cody doesn't like the poopy ones, but I don't know what father would), cooking dinner, paying bills on time (well trying to).

So why do I feel lost? Maybe I just need a slap in the face. I love my son, I love being a mother, I love my family, I'm in love with HobbyHubby (and welcome the thought of marriage, as we are not yet wed), I'm in love with Ansel. For the first time in my post adolescent life, I do not think of harming myself, I look for and avoid dangerous situations (potential car accidents, suspicious persons, etc, stranger danger). I never want to die, I never want to leave LittleMan. 

So what are these empty feelings? Where do they come from?

I guess the only thing I can do is stay busy, keep loving my family and myself. Find old and new hobbies. Stay healthy, keep breastfeeding. I do love breastfeeding. And if I get sad, get help. I'm not ashamed of seeking help, I know better than that.

Oh Snap, Baby Clothes

Whoever designs baby clothes needs to retire or be exiled from planet earth. Yes, they are absolutely adorable, especially the girls' clothes. Bows, hearts, "pretty like mommy", little muddy puppies, silly monkeys, "handsome like daddy", cartooned farm equipment, and so on. The cuteness goes on and on. 

But where is the ease of changing your baby's clothes? Onsies are my favorite for LittleMan. They're the easiest thing to put him in. A boat neck top that's easy to it over his head and fast and only three snaps to put together. 

However, what's with all the snaps on other clothes? It doesn't make it any easier or faster to change him. I've counted at least twelve snaps on one of his pajama coverall outfits. TWELVE! How is that easy? You can get arthritis or carpel tunnel from all those buttons. And forget about quiet nighttime diaper changes. When you pull apart each button, it shakes the baby and makes a loud noise, waking him up. 

Zippers are key. LittleMan has a pajama coverall that zips all the way up. Genius! It's easy. Just put his limbs in the appropriate places and zip up. No twelve button snaps to give you arthritis and the zipper won't jerk the outfit and wake him up. Why are zippers not as popular as snaps?! I understand you want to make it difficult for the baby to undo their clothes themselves, but that's where one snap comes in handy; there is a flap of fabric that reaches over the zippers slider and snaps down. 

More zippers now! Make it easier for mom and dads everywhere.