Identity Crisis

I feel as though I've lost myself. As every mom has told me, life before baby is a big blur. I've dealt with depression since I was fourteen; so postpardom depression has been a realistic threat with life after pregnancy. So far, I've felt proud not giving into any thoughts of unwanted sadness.

The proud thoughts are slowly dissipating. The "high on baby" feeling starting disappearing once I returned to work. 

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love and adore my LittleMan and motherhood. But what about life outside of baby? I am now 24/7 a mom, caretaker of a new life who cannot take care of themselves alone. 

The high is going away. But I don't want it to. The only time I feel as though I don't have to be SuperMom is when I'm taking a shower (when I get one). So no wonder I've wanted to start smoking cigarettes again. It's difficult. If I'm smoking, there's no way LittleMan can be near me, secondhand smoke and all. But I don't want to be a smoker again. So what do I do?

I've lost myself, my sense of self. I am a mother. I work to provide for my son, with help from HobbyHubby. I take care of my son. My life is my son. I love it; but what else? 

I've tried to start painting again but it's difficult to find unerrupted time. 

So the next step is date nights. Physical intimacy has been an issue. Shit hurts, it's uncomfortable. I had a second degree tear from birthing a 9 pound baby, could've been worse (my friend is mother superior compared to me). So we hang out, maybe drink some with friends. It's nice, but the whole time I'm missing LittleMan. 

I want him all the time and want space too. I'm finding a balance.

His pediatrician has helped me realize how great everything is. I'm a breast feeding champ. Let me reiterate, IM A FUCKING BREASTFEEDING CHAMP! He's growing tremendously. Gained 3 pounds and grew 3 inches by his 2 month appointment.

My dad, someone I've subconsciously always needed approval from, has repeatedly told me how proud he is of me and how I'm a great mom. It makes me want to cry when he says these things. It lifts me up like nothing else.

Cody also repeatedly thanks me for feeding Ansel, for taking care of him, helping with diaper changes (Cody doesn't like the poopy ones, but I don't know what father would), cooking dinner, paying bills on time (well trying to).

So why do I feel lost? Maybe I just need a slap in the face. I love my son, I love being a mother, I love my family, I'm in love with HobbyHubby (and welcome the thought of marriage, as we are not yet wed), I'm in love with Ansel. For the first time in my post adolescent life, I do not think of harming myself, I look for and avoid dangerous situations (potential car accidents, suspicious persons, etc, stranger danger). I never want to die, I never want to leave LittleMan. 

So what are these empty feelings? Where do they come from?

I guess the only thing I can do is stay busy, keep loving my family and myself. Find old and new hobbies. Stay healthy, keep breastfeeding. I do love breastfeeding. And if I get sad, get help. I'm not ashamed of seeking help, I know better than that.